LAUGH LINES : Jokes

In the news: Comedy writer Argus Hamilton, on President Clinton trying to sell his budget to a GOP Congress: “Being a Democratic President these days is like owning a cemetery. There are lots of people under you, but nobody’s listening.”

Comedy writer Brad Halpern, on the $20 billion sent to Mexico: “It’s making a difference. Business is better for everyone, except for the laundering services.”

Reader Neal Williams, on the Discover magazine article explaining how men may be able to grow breasts: “It’s good news. Sen. Bob Packwood may finally be able to keep his hands to himself.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Bob Dole’s possible bid for the presidency: “He thinks America is ready for a leadership change. It’s time Hillary step aside and let Elizabeth have a chance.”

Ray, on Chevron’s Port Arthur refinery sale for $199 million: “The buyer faces rigid deadlines. After 10 p.m., cashiers carry no more than $20 change.”

Comedy writer Paul Ryan, on Punxsutawney Phil’s early spring prediction: “Snow hit the East Coast. Phil has a new job: White House economic forecaster.”

Ryan, on the recent Russian-American space rendezvous: “Once they were side by side, the Russian held up a sign: ‘Do you have any Grey Poupon?’ ”

Comic Jenny Church, on the influence of Bob (“The Price is Right”) Barker’s donation to spay-neuter clinics: “A pretty veterinarian stands next to your cat and points to its stitches. You guess what the surgery will cost.”

Church, on the idea of a government by infomercial: “Newt Gingrich says the ‘contract with America’ now includes two free issues of Congressional Quarterly and a football phone.”

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Cirque du O.J.: “Denise Brown said O.J. had a bizarre, faraway look in his eyes at the dance recital. Come on. Everyone who goes to one of those has a bizarre and faraway look.” (Mark Miller)

* “Yesterday, there was a big breakthrough. So far, Nicole Brown Simpson’s dog is the only witness without a drinking problem.” (Hamilton)

* “Candace Garvey, wife of baseball great Steve Garvey, testified that she was at the recital with the Simpsons. They went to see Candace’s child--and a dozen or so of Steve’s.” (Cutler Radio Comedy Network)

* “Jane Fonda is denying rumors that she’ll play O.J.’s girlfriend in a remake of ‘Barbarella’ to be called ‘Barbieri.’ ” (Bob Mills)

* “Judge Ito has halted arrangements for a field trip for jurors, because he’s still waiting for Johnnie Cochran to sign Robert Shapiro’s trip slip.” (Halpern)

* “Poor Shapiro. All he’s heard lately is, ‘Yeah Bob, make mine a double tall latte . Two percent and lotsa foam.’ ” (David Gee)

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Reader Ed Viening’s elderly neighbor in Huntington Beach walks his dog past Viening’s new shrubs, where the canine often makes a stop. When Viening finally complained to his neighbor, the man replied:

“I wouldn’t worry. I start around the block, and by the time he reaches your bushes, it’s only a gesture.”