LAUGH LINES : Jokes

Happy birthday to us . . . Laugh Lines is 1 year old today. Thanks to all our contributors and readers for your gifts of humor.

*

In the news: Comic Jenny Church, on Gov. Pete Wilson not speaking at a ceremony at the Nixon library: “He sat mute in honor of those Watergate figures who were told they had the right to remain silent.”

Adds comic Argus Hamilton: “After being told not to speak after recent throat surgery, Wilson is the envy of other GOP candidates. He doesn’t have to say what a great job President Clinton has been doing the past week.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on France finally enshrining early 20th-Century scientist Marie Curie into the Hall of Great Men: “The delay is attributed to French attitudes. She was a brilliant woman, but she was no Jerry Lewis.”

Jay Leno, on the woman who spent nine months in an Italian cave as an experiment: “Actually, she was only supposed to be there for three days, but I guess she was waiting for the cable guy.”

Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on Chevy Chase participating in Saturday’s Earthwalk ‘95: “Chevy’s really into the environment. In every one of his movies, he recycles the same character.”

*

Lists, Part I: Questions most likely asked on Take Your Daughter to Work Day (from comedy writer Bob Mills):

* Of Nancy Sinatra: “How much do they pay you to put your clothes back on?”

* Of Katie Couric: “It’s 4 a.m., Mom. Can’t we do this some other time?”

* Of Roseanne: “That looks like fun. Can I fire a few writers?”

* Of Dennis Fung: “Hey, Dad, didn’t you miss a spot over there?”

Part II . . . Questions most asked of Roger Clinton during signings for his book, “Growing Up Clinton,” according to comedy writer Kevin S. Healey:

* “Who are you again?”

* “Could you please not sing?”

* “Could I get an order of fries with that, buddy?”

* “Does Bill know you’re using his credit card?

*

Cirque du O.J.: “The Simpson jurors may be rebelling. But it’s the Simpson trial that’s revolting.” (Jerry Perisho)

* “Judge Lance Ito now admits that he should have sensed he was losing control when the jurors started addressing him as ‘dude.’ ” (Mills)

* “Judge Ito knew he had trouble when he found out the jury foreman’s real name was Fletcher Christian.” (Perisho)

* “Now the rest of the O.J. jury is threatening to go on strike. They want $6 a day. (Paul Ryan)

* “The juror strike was bound to happen. You know, you hang around Kato Kaelin long enough and you won’t want to work either.” (Leno)

*

Whittier reader Betty Jean Forgone’s nephew, 3, agreed to attend church, but later changed his mind. “Don’t you want to go see God?” she asked.

Replied the young boy: “He never comes down.”

* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.