Jokes that don’t stand the test of...

Jokes that don’t stand the test of time:

Elyse Verse of West L.A. saw a rerun of TV’s “Seinfeld,” in which Elaine dates a guy who is embarrassed because he has the same name as that of a New York serial killer: Joel Rifkin. She suggests he change his first name. In fact, she comes up with the ideal substitute--a name associated with an athlete-turned-broadcaster/actor who was very popular at the time the episode was made.

“O.J. Rifkin!” she proclaims.

DON’T BE LAX AT LAX: In the Auto Club’s Avenues magazine, writer Peter S. Greenberg discusses three different ways airport thieves can distract you, allowing their confederates to snatch your bags.

He calls the ploys (1) “the phone booth question,” in which a villain asks you for directions while you’re in the middle of a call; (2) “the money trick,” in which a bad Samaritan points out a couple of dropped dollar bills on the floor near you, and (3) “the mustard trick,” in which a con man clandestinely squirts mustard or mayonnaise on the back of your jacket while you’re in line, then points it out to you.

We’re not worried about ploy No. 3 because the bad guy would probably be too confused by the food stains already on our jacket to leave a new one.

LIST OF THE DAY: Who says prices are out of sight? Here are some rare bargains from your Only in L.A. Shopper:

* Three songs on jukebox at Johnny’s restaurant, Culver City: 25 cents.

* One gum ball, Ruby’s, Seal Beach: 1 cent.

* One cup of coffee, Philippe, Chinatown: Nine cents. (No free refills, though. You want two cups of coffee, you shell out 18 cents.)

* Ride on Angels Flight, one way between Hill Street and Grand Avenue: 25 cents.

* Admission to UFO-Bigfoot-Nessie Museum, Venice: Free (problem is, we can’t figure out when the place is open).

* Ride on Metro Red Line, one way between Union Station and Alvarado Street: 25 cents.

* Toll on Vincent Thomas Bridge, heading from San Pedro to Long Beach: free. The toll, incidentally, on the bridge heading in the other direction, toward San Pedro, is 50 cents. Say, shouldn’t Long Beach be insulted?

SHOES OF FAME: No, that isn’t a tribute to Imelda Marcos on Cherokee Avenue in Hollywood (see photo). Kim Yasuda’s art is “symbolic of the dancing shoes of Hollywood’s golden era,” says Karen Patterson of the city Transportation Department. We suppose the footwear could also be symbolic of the golden era of pedestrians in L.A.--an era that has certainly passed. Yasuda’s work decorates a public parking garage.

SO, DER: We’re still receiving letters on the Wilmington plaque commemorating the first Der Wienerschnitzel eatery. Eric Kongs of North Hills points out that “wienerschnitzel is, essentially, breaded veal cutlet. You can’t get wienerschnitzel at Der Wienerschnitzel.” Beyond that, “any proper German will tell you that the correct article should be ‘Das’ as in ‘Das Wienerschnitzel,’ ” adds Kongs, who signed himself “ex-Wilmington taxi driver.”

Kongs’ latter point no doubt explains why the chain has dropped the article and now calls itself Wienerschnitzel. That’s a courageous concession. Perhaps the grammatically incorrect city of Mission Viejo in Orange County will follow suit and rename itself Mission Vieja.

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You know it’s going to be a bad day when you find yourself stuck in a traffic jam on the morning commute behind a car with a bumper sticker that says: “God loves you. Everyone else thinks you’re an idiot.”