Punch Lines

Candid cameras: Researchers are scanning 45 minutes of film taken in Dallas the day of the JFK assassination:

* “It turns out Oliver Stone did it.” (Steve Tatham)

* “Sure enough, it shows the Cowboys’ Michael Irvin having a beer with Jack Ruby.” (Argus Hamilton)

* “It’s being released on videotape and, like every other movie, it co-stars Antonio Banderas.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “The footage disproves one recent contention: Faye Resnick was not on the grassy knoll.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

Meanwhile, sales of O.J. Simpson’s video have tapered off at a dismal 35,000 copies.

* “O.J. is thinking of adding some more details and re-releasing it as the ‘Director’s Cut’ edition.” (Kaseberg)

* “Producers say they expect sales to pick up with the publicity from the civil trial. Yeah, there’s the problem--O.J. didn’t get enough publicity.” (Tatham)

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In the news: Convictions of three Clinton colleagues in the Whitewater trial made Bob Dole so happy, “He gave reporters his trademark ear-to-ear grimace,” says Tony Peyser.

* Adds Russ Myers, “I guess you could say Whitewater is what keeps the Dole campaign afloat.”

* Adds Gary Easley, “The verdicts have Republicans singing new lyrics to an old Doobie Brothers song:

Oh, Whitewater, keep on rollin’

Arkansas state thrift gonna keep them tumblin’ down.”

The Dow Jones Industrial Average turned 100 last Sunday. Says Cutler, “When it hits 105, sell.”

In Zimbabwe, a member of the national parliament got into a fight with a rival and chewed off part of his lip and beard. Says Jimmy McConnell, “Ya know, if we had that kind of thing here we could make C-SPAN a pay-per-view channel.”

In Georgia, a county coroner has been charged with intent to distribute LSD. Says Cutler, “An LSD-pushing coroner? Obviously a deadhead.”

No word yet on who will portray Janet Cooke, the Washington Post reporter who won a Pulitzer Prize for a story that turned out to be fiction, in the upcoming movie. Says Michael X. Ferraro, “However, you’ve got to think Milli Vanilli has the inside track for the soundtrack chores.”

Buck, the dog from “Married . . . With Children,” has died of natural causes. Says Alex Pearlstein, “He lived 13 years. Of course, that’s 879 in sitcom years.”

The departing John Tesh gave his chair from “Entertainment Tonight” to Beverly Hills’ Planet Hollywood. Says Larry Swerdlow, “What, Juilliard didn’t want it?”

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Reader Marie Budgen of Fountain Valley was talking about angels with her granddaughter Ariana, 3 1/2. Later, as Grandma was drying her back after a bath, Ariana looked over her shoulder and asked:

“Are my wings dry yet?”