Re-seed-a:The National Talk Show Guest Registry, a...

Re-seed-a:

The National Talk Show Guest Registry, a Reseda databank, has signed up inventor Ernest Primeau, who claims baldness can be cured through the use “of melted caramel chocolate and a pair of tweezers.”

Or did you know that already?

Anyway, Primeau, of Madeira Beach, Fla., is one of about 1,900 Guest Registry clients just waiting for the chance to dazzle the Oprahs and Geraldos of the world.

Sorry if you’re not acquainted with the caramel chocolate/tweezers cure. Databank founder Chris Darryn said that Primeau “won’t allow me to give out the specifics.”

Actually, we’re not sure we want the specifics.

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GUESTS R US: Others signed by Reseda’s Talk Show Guest Registry:

* Buel Crawford, who operates the world’s only pecan art museum--400 figurines of pecans ranging from Elvis to Saddam Hussein in Denton, Texas.

* Michael St. Lawrence, president of UFO Abduction Insurance, who, for a onetime premium of $9.95, said he would pay $10 million to any policyholder kidnapped by a space alien. And he would pay $20 million (double indemnity) if a policyholder was eaten by aliens.

* Brenda Love, author of “The Encyclopedia of Unusual Sex Practices,” whose subjects include “a man who is aroused by having pies thrown in his face during sex.”

* Herb Lasker, who has been “waging a one-man crusade on behalf of women” who are discriminated against in the workplace “because their toenails and fingernails exceed 26 inches in length.” (We’re not sure if these are humans or space aliens.)

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NO WONDER TED KOPPEL WALKED OUT: Reader Dick Moss figures it was only a coincidence that this less-than-exciting marquee ran in San Diego during the Republican convention (see photo).

HARVEY’S INDEX: Number of movies in which Zsa Zsa Gabor makes a reference to her 1989 conviction for slapping a Beverly Hills police officer: 3 (“A Very Brady Sequel,” “Naked Gun 2 1/2” and “The People vs. Zsa Zsa Gabor,” a 30-minute documentary by TriCoast International on her trial.)

And that doesn’t include “Earthquake,” which has a reference to a tussle between Zsa Zsa and a Beverly Hills cop--16 years before it actually happened.

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THAT OTHER INDEX: Speaking of La Gabor, Harper’s magazine once ran this tidbit:

“Number of portraits of Zsa Zsa Gabor on display in her homes: 15.”

The item appeared 3 1/2 years ago, so there’s no telling how high the figure has risen since then.

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NOTHING TO YAWN ABOUT: After listening to a tape submitted by a 32-year-old tow truck driver, judges at Glendale Adventist Medical Center named him Snorer of the Year.

“It was quite loud, and very irregular,” said Kathy Cavander, a spokeswoman for the hospital’s Sleep Disorder Center. “There was a lot of snorting.”

The gold medalist noisemaker received free treatment as his prize. It was discovered that while asleep he would stop breathing “as often as 100 times an hour for 10 seconds at a time,” said Cavander. A local company donated a device that “blows air through a tube into a mask that fits over the nose and keeps his collapsing airway open,” she said.

The super-snorer had some stiff competition from about two dozen other entrants, including one man who sounded to the judges “like a Kawasaki motorcycle speeding up.”

miscelLAny:

Capt. Picard and company will be back on the big screen in November for “Star Trek: First Contact.” First contact? After all these years, wouldn’t it be more accurate to call it “contact No. 3,684” or so?