Gen. Steiner, Gen. Agran: Defend Your Airport Positions

From a dispatch along the DMZ of the Costa Mesa Freeway sometime in the 21st century:

As Orange County’s Civil War enters its seventh year, no end is in sight. Already the nation’s costliest civil war (or “War Between the Estates,” as South Countians insist on calling it), the fighting shows no signs of letting up.

“To be honest, I’ve forgotten what we’re fighting for,” said William “Ironsides” Steiner, former county supervisor and now head of all North County forces.

Steiner was one of the earliest casualties of the war, having been captured in the third month of hostilities by a band of very short South Countians who disguised themselves as wayward children and invited him to a meeting at Coco’s. Held captive for four long years in an Irvine karaoke bar, Steiner was returned in a prisoner swap for South leader Larry Agran, who, after being captured and held for less than 20 minutes, drove his captors absolutely nuts.

The war flared after the North persisted in plans to place an international airport on the former El Toro Marine base. South County cities had threatened secession for months--and the North responded with characteristic disdain--until the South launched a daring preemptive strike on the Balboa Peninsula Fun Zone, sinking a commuter ferry and nearly drowning 14 Illinois tourists here for a Rose Bowl game.

Simultaneously, a guerrilla troop from Trabuco Canyon stormed John Wayne Airport and stole the 9-foot-high statue of the Duke, carting it off and mounting it outside South headquarters at the Ritz-Carlton hotel in Dana Point.

That, of course, meant war.

It also guaranteed that South County resident Sheriff Brad Gates, an unwavering disciple of Wayne, would cast his lot with the North. That proved significant when it was discovered to everyone’s surprise that Gates had trained and maintained a secret 5,000-member militia force on a deserted ranch property in San Diego County. “Let’s just say I’d been playing a hunch,” the sheriff said.

Heavily outnumbered from the outset, the South relied on guile and passion in the early going. Accordingly, it scored quick victories, securing isolated outposts in enemy territory north of the Costa Mesa Freeway--most notably the Movieland Wax Museum in Buena Park and the entire city of Stanton.

That is not to say that all went smoothly. A predawn raid on Disneyland, considered the crown jewel of North County, failed miserably when undertrained South forces, hoping for the element of surprise, were scared off by three dozen fanatical Toons.

A month later, sorely needing a victory to maintain momentum, the South stormed Fullerton College and occupied three buildings on campus as part of its “March to La Habra” strategy. Within days, South forces declared “victory is at hand” when its forces overran La Habra City Hall. Embarrassingly, however, they had misread the Thomas Guide and actually had invaded neighboring La Mirada in Los Angeles County. Once informed of the error, a sheepish Agran and his forces were allowed to slink quietly out of town.

Another apparent South victory, the 30-day “Battle of Midway City,” ended ingloriously when, after vanquishing North forces and occupying the city for three days, the South gave it back.

The North settled early on a war of attrition. After the Marines at Camp Pendleton agreed to remain neutral and not believing the South could subsist on sushi and bottled water, the North felt it could win a protracted struggle. “We’ve got them backed up to the ocean and the mountains,” Steiner said when war broke out. “There’s nowhere for them to go.”

But as the months passed, North County residents clamored for some sign of progress. That prompted, a year into the fray, the storming of Monarch Beach by an amphibious North force intent on capturing the brain trust at the Ritz. All were attending a motivational seminar, however, and the invaders settled for a sleepy 65-year-old security guard at Three Arch Bay, whom they tortured mercilessly before dropping him off, dazed and frightened, at Bloomingdale’s in Fashion Island.

Predictably, both sides claimed victories they hadn’t attained. Indeed, over time the two sides both were seen as incompetent warmongers who would have been better served settling their differences at the bargaining table.

Among the more inflated boasts were North County claims that it had “effectively destroyed the South County fleet in Dana Point Harbor,” when, in fact, it had sunk three spearfishing trawlers and a whale-watching cruiser. Another report of a “key acquisition” turned out to be a cosmetics counter at the Mission Viejo Mall.

Still, neither side will quit. Agran vows the South will “continue fighting this heroic and morally imperative struggle with every fiber of our being,” while Steiner is often fond of saying, “Wake me when it’s over.”

Meanwhile, neutral observers have moved to San Diego County.

Dana Parsons’ column appears Wednesday, Friday and Sunday. Readers may reach Parsons by writing to him at the Times Orange County Edition, 1375 Sunflower Ave., Costa Mesa, CA 92626, or calling (714) 966-7821.