Punch Lines

Dear Mom: The nation is poised for the annual salute to motherhood on Sunday. “That is when well-meaning tykes prepare a breakfast for Mom that will take her at least until mid-Wednesday to clean up.” (Bob Mills)

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The New Military: The Pentagon will ask Congress to close bases, reduce troop sizes and cut spending. “The Pentagon itself will close two wings,” adds Jerry Perisho. “It will then be known as ‘The Love Triangle.’ ”

“The Army’s highest-ranking sergeant has been charged with sex crimes. This is getting unbelievable,” says Jay Leno. “In fact, today the Pentagon said its new policy will be, ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell My Wife.’ ”

* “Sgt. Major Gene McKinney was charged with various offenses--indecent assault, adultery, impersonating a Kennedy. . . .” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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The Prez: President Clinton hurt his back while just sitting reading on the Truman Balcony. “Maybe he read that first tuition bill from Stanford and flipped,” says Jenny Church.

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In the News: “IBM’s Deep Blue is showing signs of actual intelligence at the chess match with Gary Kasparov in New York. Why are we wasting time building computers that can beat grandmasters in chess? Why doesn’t IBM put some time and effort into making a computer that won’t break down when you’re in Sears trying to buy a package of underwear?” (Leno)

A jury ruled in favor of R.J. Reynolds’ claim that cigarettes are not a dangerous product. “Maybe they’re right,” says Steve Tatham. “Cigarettes aren’t nearly as dangerous as juries.”

* In other litigation, tobacco companies are settling the largest health lawsuit in history. “They say they are truly sorry they targeted kids,” says Argus Hamilton. “Facing a $300-billion payout, they wish they had targeted lawyers instead.”

Rick Pitino will coach the Boston Celtics for $70 million. “The team sees it as a bargain,” says Alan Ray. “He originally asked for NBA playoff tickets.”

“These are confusing times for Dennis Rodman,” says Russ Myers. “First, his ex-wife writes a critical book about him, then Oprah refuses to have him on her show and then Eddie Murphy drives right by him.”

Former Navy computer specialist Robert Kim, accused of spying for South Korea, pleaded guilty to lesser charges. “Apparently not too much top secret technology reached the South Koreans. . . . I’ve seen the Hyundai Excel.” (The Funny Firm)

Reader Frances Sotcher of Los Angeles observed 3-year-old grandson Jared Sobol playing with some 7-year-old boys. The bigger boys started bragging--”I’m Superman. I’m big and strong and I can fly,” said one. Another bragged, “I’m Spider-man. I’m big and strong and I can climb anything.” Jared joined in--leaving the big boys unimpressed.

“I’m big and strong,” he said. “I’m a moo-cow.”