He Won’t Mail This One Home

The Lakers defeated a basketball team masquerading as the Utah Jazz, 104-84, Thursday night at the Forum.

I have a theory. I do not believe that was the real Karl Malone. I believe the real Karl Malone to be tied up in a closet somewhere, bound and gagged. I believe a hotel maid in Marina del Rey will find the real Karl, early this morning. I believe that somewhere in Los Angeles today, there is a lunatic Karl lookalike who fooled everybody, including the Utah team, until he shot the ball 20 times and hit the basket twice.

Because, come on . . . the real Karl Malone never had a game like this in his life. I know Karl Malone, and this was not Karl Malone. It had to be his evil twin. Either that, or some guy in a Karl mask. I suggest the Utah state police investigate, pronto. The real Mailman Malone could go two for 20 come rain or come shine, shooting the ball with his elbows.

“I can’t remember the last time I played this bad,” Malone said.

Kobe Bryant didn’t recognize him, either. The Laker teenager, who outscored Malone, 19 to 15, said, “I don’t know if he’s going to have another night like this in the next game. We have to hope and pray that his shots aren’t falling like tonight.”

Anyway, whatever it was that caused the Team Formerly Known as the Utah Jazz to play a game like this, the Lakers will take it. After the last game, the Lakers had no comment. After this game, the Lakers must have felt like commenting, “Who were those guys?”

This was one game no blind-as-a-bat referee could take away from L.A.

In fact, the only way Utah kept this game close at all was by getting fouled. At one point in the first half, the Jazz had shot the basketball 32 times . . . and missed 29 of them. I’ve seen fans from the stands shoot better in halftime contests. It was sad, really. They looked like five sportswriters.

Good thing they sank most of their free throws, or by halftime Jerry Sloan’s kids would have been behind by something like 49-14. Rick Majerus, the University of Utah coach, was sitting in the crowd. None of these five Utah players could have outplayed five of his.

Everybody was so impressed by the Jazz in Games 1 and 2. Where did that team go? Watching them in the first half, my Mailman Impostor theory made more sense, minute by minute. Late in the game, after missing 17 of his first 18 shots, poor Karl (if that was really him) got so frustrated, he actually tossed up a hook shot. Had he missed that, I’m not sure what Karl would have tried. Maybe underhand.

The scary thing was, as lousy as the Jazz played throughout the first half, the Lakers didn’t exactly blow them away. Shaquille O’Neal had foul trouble. So did Elden Campbell. And, everybody’s new best friend, Mr. Referee, continued to give the Lakers a hard time, slapping a technical on Coach Del Harris, calling flagrant fouls on Jerome Kersey and Kobe Bryant, then ejecting O’Neal from the game. Some of the Lakers must feel they’re playing this series five against eight.

“He committed two unsportsmanlike acts,” official Bill Oakes explained about ejecting Shaq, who, if he said what he felt after the game, definitely would have committed a third.

Luckily for the Lakers, everything turned out OK in the end. They still have to take three of the next four games from the Jazz (if that was really them), and that gives Saturday’s Game 4 a real sense of urgency. But they sure do feel better than they did after Game 2, when they clammed up like a sect of Trappist monks.

Before the game, all 12 Lakers put their hands together in a hallway, making a promise to themselves that this series was a long way from over. The emotion carried over to the first quarter, when the score was 12-2 before Utah even made a basket.

Things quieted down considerably after that. In fact, the foul situation became so significant so quickly, Del Harris had to use a lineup of Nick Van Exel and four subs--Travis Knight, Sean Rooks, Kersey and Byron Scott--with 4 1/2 minutes remaining in the first quarter. A couple of these guys don’t usually appear until much later, if at all.

Once again, it was Scott who gave the team a lift, athletically and emotionally. He made some tough shots, then took a tough hit when Utah’s Bryon Russell stood in his way and caused a Byron-Bryon collision. Jeff Hornacek kept the Jazz in the game, making baskets from everywhere but the Sizzler at the corner of Prairie and Manchester. It was a great effort by Hornacek, or, as Jazz broadcaster Hot Rod Hundley calls him repeatedly on the air, “Horny.”

Horny couldn’t beat L.A. by himself, however. Not on a night when he had to play with the bogus Karl Malone. But the Lakers shouldn’t get cocky. The real one will be back Saturday.