PUNCH LINES

How You Know You’re in L.A.: The Mets and the Yankees are meeting in New York, while Chicago’s White Sox and Cubs slug it out there. Fans arrive early dressed in team colors and cheer wildly. “Meanwhile, Angels and Dodgers ticket-holders struggle to see who can arrive latest, look hippest, leave earliest and see a moment of the game between French eclairs and cappuccino with extra foam.” (Jerry Perisho)

Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow have broken off their engagement. The Hollywood couple thinks counseling might repair the relationship. Both have agreed to see a publicist. (Alan Ray)

* “Sad news,” says Jay Leno. “I hope he can find himself another girl.”

A judge ruled O. J. Simpson has to sell his golf clubs to pay off some of the $33.5 million judgment against him. Says Leno, “Those golf clubs, they can be worth millions of dollars. ‘Cause they’re not ordinary clubs. With those babies, you can play golf at night.”

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Baptists versus Hollywood: The Southern Baptist convention voted to boycott Disney films because of the company’s gay friendly policy. “To appease the group, Disney has added an eighth dwarf--Bubba the gay basher.” (Alex Kaseberg)

* “The eight dwarfs are named Happy, Sneezy, Dopey, Bashful, Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy and Self-Righteous.” (Ray)

* The Baptists are mad that Disney hosted a “gay days” event. “Don’t worry. Disney says it is perfectly willing to hold Small Minds Days too.” (Cutler Daily Scoop)

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Around the Country: “Legislation has been introduced to decriminalize consensual sex acts in the military,” says Bob Mills. “Under new regulations being drafted for the Army, adultery will be recategorized and listed under ‘night maneuvers.’ ”

Republicans in Washington have unveiled another plan to dismantle the National Endowment for the Arts. “Under a provision offered by Sens. Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond, square dancers, musical saw players and Elvis on velvet painters would continue to receive federal funding.” (Mills)

* “House Republicans are going through their annual ritual. Their posturing could actually qualify them for an NEA performance grant.” (Paul Steinberg)

When police in Clearwater, Fla., pulled over a weaving car, they discovered it was being driven by a 4-foot iguana assisted by a drunk. “Actually, it was even worse. The iguana was talking on a cell phone at the time.” (Steinberg)

Top features of the new San Francisco casino in Las Vegas, according to Buddy Baron: “Valet parking charges you $200 a day. . . . Virtual reality city tour includes 45-minute delay on the Bay Bridge. . . . If you don’t lose enough money gambling, they threaten to move the casino to L.A.”

Reader Joyce Prouty of Downey was baby-sitting for her grandchildren, Amy, 5, and Michael, 2. She discovered them jumping on the sofa and told them they were going to have to start behaving.”

“We’re going to,” Amy answered. “But it won’t be today.”