Coin of the Realm or Just Another Susan B. Anthony?

The report out of Washington wasn’t particularly controversial, yet it was still pretty titillating. (Relax, this has nothing to do with the Prez’s impeachment.)

It read:

“Sacajawea, the Shoshone teenager who accompanied explorers Meriwether Lewis and William Clark to the Pacific Ocean almost two centuries ago, gazes serenely from a proposed design for the new dollar coin.

“The design is among six finalists for the gold-colored coin that Americans will find in their pockets starting in 2000.

“Mint officials culled the designs from 121 submissions, after exhibiting them last month to more than 300 invited historians, public officials, artists, coin collectors and representatives of Indian organizations.”

I couldn’t be more pleased.

Being a big Sacajawea fan from way back, I was so happy to see the kid finally getting a little recognition.

In fact, when I first heard about the United States creating a $1 coin, I remember telling a friend of mine: “You know who’d be great for it? Sacajawea.”

Unbelievably, he replied: “Sacajawea who?”

“Oh, come on,” I said. “THE Sacajawea, man.”

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Most of my friends, I must admit, were surprised by everything in the report--that America would again be having a $1 coin, that Sacajawea was one of the six finalists to be on this coin and that Lewis’ first name was Meriwether.

A few wanted to know how I felt about having dollar coins again. My answer was that I’d rather lug 20 or 40 of them around in my pocket than carry any of those chintzy new $20 bills. (Every time I look at one of those 20s, I feel as if somebody just handed me a “You Could Be the Winner” sweepstakes coupon with Ed McMahon’s face on it.)

The coin is a fine idea.

First of all, you’ll be able to drop it in the slot of a pay telephone. Don’t you just hate using a credit card to make a local call? I can think of only one real hang-up--phone rates keep going up. I can hear the Pacific Bell operator’s voice in the year 2000 now, saying, “Please deposit $37 more.”

Another thing I like about having a dollar coin is that when you slip a kid a tip, you can actually flip it, with your thumbnail. I like the way this looks. It has a certain savoir-faire, which is French for “trying way too hard to act cool.”

If a boy brings my car around, I’ll be able to stand there tossing a coin like George Raft until he pulls up, then flip him a coin. Of course, with valet parking getting more and more expensive, I might have to flip him five or six. Suppose he gets hit in the face? He could sue me for overtipping. I’d have to pay him off in ugly $100 bills.

I do possess a few dollar coins.

Every time I buy stamps at my post office, if I use the vending machine, it spits out those damn Susan B. Anthony silver dollars with my change. I never liked Susan B. Anthony dollars. (I wasn’t all that wild about Susan herself.) If I stick a $20 bill in a vending machine, I try to buy at least $19.10 worth of stamps so I won’t get any Susans in return. I believe my post office does this on purpose, so it can force me to buy $19.10 worth of stamps.

Susan was the Edsel of currency. I don’t know whose idea the Susan B. Anthony coin was, but I suspect this person is somebody who later shot up a post office with an AK-47 assault rifle. Susan was out of circulation faster than a freshman with a bad case of zits. I mean, nobody spent a Susan. I bet if you gave a bus driver exact change using Susans, he still kicked you off the bus. George Washington would have thrown a Susan into the Potomac.

What we really need is a $2 coin, like England’s new 2-pound coin. Then we wouldn’t have to jingle so many when we walk.

We also could use a $35 and $75 bill. The mint people could put Sacajawea’s face on one of those, in case they cheat her out of her rightful fame this time.

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I haven’t heard who the other five finalists are. For all I know, since “representatives of Indian organizations” were reportedly consulted, all six of the candidates to be on the new $1 coin are Native Americans.

(This would leave out my other favorites, Ronald Reagan, Franklin D. Roosevelt, Teddy Roosevelt, Ed McMahon and Meriwether Lewis.)

A popular quiz show’s host used to say, “Give that man a silver dollar.” Nobody does this now. If a TV emcee like a Pat Sajak or a Bob Barker offered $1 today, a contestant wouldn’t even bother to spin the wheel.

I just hope the $1 coin is successful this time. Because any day now, we’ll be getting a $1 bill every bit as ugly as that 20.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to him at Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles 90053, or e-mail [email protected]