Off-Kilter

Ignominious Exits Department: An Ohio man choked to death last week while trying to swallow a live, 5-inch fish on a dare. That sounds unpleasant, but it’s not necessarily the worst way to meet your maker, according to “The Grim Reaper’s Book of Days” by Ed Morrow (Citadel Press, 1992):

* On Dec. 27, 1969, an Austrian circus dwarf was killed after accidentally bouncing off a trampoline into the mouth of a nearby hippopotamus.

* In April 1991, a Florida supermarket worker was crushed by 500 pounds of Nutty Buddies ice cream bars.

* At Belmont in 1923, a jockey riding a 20-to-1 shot died of a heart attack in the middle of a steeplechase, but he finished first.

* In 1989, less than an hour after Bangladesh’s president called for prayers to end a two-month drought, rainstorms and tornadoes killed 500.

* In Boston in 1919, a tank holding 2 million gallons of molasses burst, sending forth a creeping wall of goo that took 21 lives.

* On May 1, 1987, a skywriting aircraft drawing a giant happy face hit another plane and four people had a very un-nice day.

Bumper Sticker of the Day: “Jesus Is Coming. Everyone Look Busy.”

When Bad Lyrics Happen to Good Songs: Lawyers get a bad rap, but occasionally they perform a valuable public service. In Illinois, law professor Steven Lubet is crusading against “truly memorable rock songs” that contain a line or two of lyrics “so pointless and so forced that they could only have been inserted in a desperate search for a last-ditch rhyme.” Writing in a recent issue of the Chicago Tribune, he cites two examples:

* The Beatles’ “She’s a Woman” is “a terrific tune with some choice lines, but it also gave us this ear-jarring trope: ‘My love don’t bring me presents / I know that she’s no peasant.’ What? There were no peasants in England in 1964.”

* Elvis Presley’s “All Shook Up.” Once you get past that evocative image, Lubet says, “the rest is pretty near idiotic. ‘I touch her hand, what a thrill I got / Her lips are like a volcano that’s hot.’ ”

Readers, the gauntlet has been thrown. You can send other nominees to Lubet at [email protected] or--we might regret this--to us. But remember: No bad lyrics from bad songs, just bad lyrics from good songs.

Still Life With Mustard: If you believe the Weekly World News--and we do, we really do--you know that “Picasso Got His Start Carving Pumpkins!” Now, you can follow his example. Sort of. French’s mustard is offering a free trip to next month’s Napa Valley Mustard Festival for the person who submits the most artistic funny face made from food and mustard. Take a photo of the portrait (or draw it), write down whom it’s of and why the meal makes that person happy (in 50 words or less), and send it by March 6 to French’s mustard, 411 Park St., Upper Montclair, NJ 07043.

Immoral Minority Department: The New York Post reports that 6% of Americans believe oral sex outside of marriage is not adultery. In addition, 23% see no problem with romantic kissing of a non-spouse, and 18% say phone sex is OK.

Best Supermarket Tabloid Headline: “New Cult Worships Potatoes!” (Weekly World News)

* Roy Rivenburg can be reached by e-mail at [email protected].

Contributors: Akron Beacon Journal, Wireless Flash