LAUGH LINES

Happy Days Are Here Again: The Senate acquitted President Clinton. “The White House has already begun to spin the acquittal. They’re billing him now as new and impeached.” (Bill Maher)

On the Campaign Trail: Dan Quayle says that when he and Al Gore debate in the 2000 election, Gore will have to explain why President Clinton ruined the White House. “Meanwhile, Quayle will be asked to explain why Jack and Jill went up the hill.” (Conan O’Brien)

In the Pulpit: The Rev. Jerry Falwell says the purple Teletubby is secretly a gay role model. “Asked why he thought so, Falwell said, ‘Well, just look at the provocative way he walks, those sexy eyes. . . . I’m sorry. What was the question?’ ” (Alex Kaseberg)

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The Essential David Letterman

Least popular self-help books:

9. “Choking Coaches for the Soul,” by Latrell Sprewell.

4. “Five Simple Steps to Reducing All Human Problems to an Overgeneralized Formula.”

2. “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and at Least One Teletubby Is From the West Village.”

1. “It’s Hopeless,” by Jack Kevorkian.

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