LAUGH LINES

Raising the Stakes: “Very quietly, Congress approves themselves a nice big pay raise. . . . Just kind of snuck it in there. . . . See, after that big [multibillion dollar] judgment, the tobacco industry can’t afford to pay them anymore. Now we apparently have to chip in the extra dough.” (Jay Leno)

Moving On: “Taco Bell has fired its talking Chihuahua. I still don’t think Taco Bell gets it. Did you hear who Taco Bell has hired as its next spokesperson? One of the rats from ‘Survivor.’ ” (Andrew Wisot)

A Little Mentoring: George W. Bush “conceded that Dick Cheney is perhaps not the most exciting guy in the world, but he has been around Washington forever--and he can explain to George W. Bush the tricky stuff . . . like how a bill becomes a law.” (Bill Maher)

Art Imitating Life: In “ ‘What Lies Beneath,’ starring Harrison Ford . . . a former mistress comes back to haunt an unfaithful husband and ruins his life. Whenever Harrison Ford really needs a big hit, he plays a U.S. president.” (Argus Hamilton)

Pestering Situation: “It’s been reported there are now millions of rats in New York. And today, in a related story, the people behind ‘Survivor’ announced they’ve picked New York as the show’s next location.” (Wisot)

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