LAUGH LINES

Job-Related Injury: “Democrats beat the Republicans in the annual congressional softball game. Some of the Republicans may require shoulder surgery. Their arms are shot from trying to throw the president out for years.” (Argus Hamilton)

The Old, the New: At the Republican convention, “delegates were united. Minorities were showcased. There was talk about inclusion, education, affirmative action and health care. So I guess we now know that a ‘new Republican’ is an old Democrat.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

Party Animal: “Anybody know why the Republicans chose the elephant [as a symbol]? An elephant is slow to move, they have trouble mating, and it takes years to clean up the mess they make.” (Jay Leno)

Friendly Warning: “Philadelphia police and city officials advised the city’s hookers to leave town during the Republican National Convention. It’s no secret why. The congressmen don’t want any competition for the lobbyists’ dollars.” (Hamilton)

Tuning In: “How many watched Kathie Lee [Gifford’s] last show? It was the highest ratings in the history of the show. . . . It just goes to show you: Give the people what they want, they turn out in droves.” (Leno)

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