LAUGH LINES

Keeping the Peace: “President Clinton will try for a final time to aid the peace process in Northern Ireland. . . . If he succeeds there, he’ll move on to something really tough--like aiding the peace process between Al Gore and George W. Bush.” (Paul Steinberg)

Breaking In: “Madonna’s London mansion was burglarized [recently]. . . . It’s the biggest crime to come out of England since the Spice Girls.” (Mark Efman)

On the Road: “O.J. Simpson has been accused by a motorist of assault during a traffic dispute on a Florida roadside. . . . That’s not the way O.J. tells it. . . . During the entire incident, he claims he was in the back seat chipping golf balls.” (Argus Hamilton)

New and Improved: “A new computerized luggage identification and tracking system is being introduced at San Francisco International Airport. . . . Officials claim it’s so efficient, it’s capable of losing luggage 50% quicker than the old manual-tagging method.” (Ira Lawson)

Cookie Bust: “The wife of a soldier at Fort Drum, N.Y., has been busted for feeding pot-laced cookies to GIs. . . . Is that what they mean by the military being on high alert?” (Daily Scoop)

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Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.