To-Do List for Surviving the Dubya Years

Stock up on Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms.

*Learn the names of wrestlers.

*Put O’Reilly book on coffee table.

*Start collecting “Dogs Playing Cards” paintings.

*Write letter supporting plan to convert abortion clinics to banjo clinics.

*Find out who flies to Dollywood.

*Meet with accountant to discuss new Barbecue Tax Credit for purchases over $5,000.

*Buy new barbecue.

*Start calling children Rachel-Jo and Junior.

*Practice using regionally influenced conversational similes till I’m smoother than a]

desert snake’s belly.

*Download evolutionary biology syllabus from www.bobjones.edu.

*Throw out sun block.

*Write letter condemning Clinton plan to give Chappaqua to Palestinians.

*Become standoffish with gay friends.

*Buy new ergonomically designed cork-handled 6-foot graphite fishing rod with ceramic]

guides and tri-bearing aluminum reel specially designed to alleviate wrist fatigue (tell Junior to keep reminding me to use other hand for drinking).

*Change smoke alarm batteries in bomb shelter.

*Misspell Barbara Striseand.

*Have mechanic remove catalytic converter from El Camino.

*Salvage olive green- and brown-colored clothing by tie-dyeing them camouflage.

*See if cowboy boots fit (should be in storage locker with mechanical bull).

*Reconsider wearing fur.

*Check Ebay for attractive spittoon.

*Stop henceforth checking addition on all hotel, restaurant and car rental bills from]

Florida vacations.

*Remember that Elvis is “The King”--not Miles Davis.

*Cease and desist all recycling.

*Pray.