The Case of the Thief Who Didn’t Come Close to Making a Clean Getaway

A fellow with a long criminal record was arrested in Hollywood after he was observed putting a bottle of laundry detergent down the front of his pants.

“That might not seem remarkable,” said Deputy Dist. Atty. Mark Vezzani, “except that the bottle was 60 ounces, or about half a gallon, and the defendant stood only 5-foot-4. He was wearing black pants and a white shirt. He looked like a pregnant penguin.”

The suspect, who was found guilty, had a somewhat complicated resume.

“He had 29 a.k.a.’s (aliases) and 21 Social Security numbers,” Vezzani said, “and he’s been born 12 times between 1950 and 1963.”

A detergent thief, in other words, who just wouldn’t come clean.

On the road: Some unreal estate (see accompanying):

* A Corona house that Patricia Briseno of Garden Grove thought was priced a bit high for a first-time buyer.

* Especially when you could pick up a far cheaper property studded with precious metals in the Banning area.

* Of course, if you only want a temporary abode, a San Bernardino County motel will accommodate you--but only if you’re able to get to the room under your own power.

I beg your pardon! Jim Stott of Westlake Village sent along a printout of some perfectly tasteful singles ads that appeared on a Web site, including such entries as “ ‘Beauty awaits her hero,’ 55 years old, long-term [relationship sought], Northridge, Calif.”

The only problem was that, through some glitch, an entry at the bottom said: “One or more items in this category have been sold.”

Unclear on the concept: Laura Merryfield, age 11, of Long Beach says a local market displayed this sign: “Red Bell pepper--Green or Yellow.”

Unclear on the concept II: Flo Selfman of L.A. went into a drugstore to order some photo reprints at 6 p.m. and asked when the prints would be ready. “Well,” responded the clerk, “if you want one hour service they’ll be ready at 7:30. If you want one-day service, they’ll be ready the day after tomorrow.”

Zipping right along: It could have been a negative experience for the author of “Filling the Glass: The Skeptic’s Guide to Positive Thinking in Business.”

Barry Maher was speaking to a group of 400 salespeople at a formal banquet in L.A. when . . .

“I noticed for the first time that I’d neglected to pull up the fly on my tuxedo pants,” he said. “What was worse, the audience noticed me noticing it.”

Thinking quickly, Maher leaned against the podium and drew a big laugh when he told the sales folks, “Remember the strategies we’ve discussed this evening, remember all the tips and tactics. But above all, remember that none of them mean a thing . . . if you don’t remember to close.”

Be to or not be to? Municipal Court Commissioner Kelvin Filer of Compton noticed an elevator alarm button that would slow down anyone in an emergency. It said:

BE TO USED

IN CASE OF

FIRE ONLY

miscelLAny: Rickey Windfelder of Covina says she had to chuckle when she received a letter from General Electric that was addressed to her deceased husband. The GE slogan on the envelope said: “We bring good things to life.”

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012 and by e-mail at [email protected].