LAUGH LINES

Set for Takeoff: “A jet leaving at its scheduled departure time lifted off a Kennedy Airport runway in New York even though five snowplows were clearing the runway of snow. . . . The FAA is investigating. . . . They want to know how a passenger jet actually took off ‘on schedule.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Crash Diet: “Monica Lewinsky announced that she may sue Jenny Craig diet company for firing her last year as a TV spokes-model. The commercials she made were highly effective. . . . Most people who saw them couldn’t eat for days.” (Argus Hamilton)

Bang Bang: “Kathie Lee Gifford will play a romance novelist in an upcoming episode of ‘Just Shoot Me.’ . . . Kathie Lee said ‘Just Shoot Me’ is husband Frank’s favorite show--and that he wanders around the house all the time, just muttering the title over and over again.” (Tina Fey)

Hardly Ever Home: “In the short time that he’s been in office, President Bush has turned into the most traveled president in history. . . . He has spent almost one-third of his nights away from the White House. This is a new record. . . . In fact, he has spent more nights away from home than any American president not married to Hillary Clinton.” (Jay Leno)

Got a joke? Send it to Laugh Lines by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Southern California Living, Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, 90012.