Channel Surfers Finally Catch the Perfect Wave

Five-hundred and fifty cable channels and not a thing to watch over a sports weekend except:

Two NBA Finals games, the Stanley Cup finals, the Williams sisters on red clay at the French Open, War Emblem chasing (and we mean chasing) the Triple Crown at the Belmont Stakes, Mike Tyson versus Lennox Lewis, the Senior PGA golf championship, around-the-clock World Cup action on ESPN, the Dodgers at Baltimore for the first time since getting swept in the 1966 World Series (Dave McNally beat Don Drysdale in Game 4), upper-body Barry Bonds blasting an upper-deck home run at Yankee Stadium, Curt Schilling over Pedro Martinez, Pete Weber bowling in sunglasses and a fascinating public television documentary on hand fishing in Oklahoma--Look ma, no hooks!

We muddle on.

News item: Lewis knocks out Tyson to retain heavyweight boxing title.

Second thought: Yep, we fell for it again--crook, line and stinker. We got conned by an ex-con so down on his luck and desperate for cash he manipulated masses into thinking he was still so crazy after all these years you had to shell out the money just in case he took Michael Buffer hostage at center ring.

The Memphis Mauler turned out to be Lewis, of course, not Mild Mike. If you read the smart boxing writers, this was the way it was always going to turn out, yet promotions have a way of always and incurably sucking you back into the fray.

In the end, after Lewis sliced and diced him, Tyson cowered like a puppy recently whacked across the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. The man who once threatened to eat Lewis’ children (if he had any) was afterward seen pathetically wiping sweat off his opponent’s brow and begging for a rematch. At that moment you could almost picture Tyson ringing a bell for the Salvation Army on Christmas morning.

Tyson admitted he wasn’t prepared for the fight, was only in it for the payday and acted like a jerk (this time) only for the purposes for promotion.

No fair telling us ahead of time, huh?

Naturally, we contributed to this farce at $54.95 a pop, a chunk of which goes to Tyson as if tossed into the vagrant’s cup.

You know those advertisements boxers are now taking out on their backs?

Mine is up for rent for IMACHUMP.com.

News item: War Emblem loses Belmont Stakes and bid for Triple Crown.

Second thought: If you believe (Kobe Bryant does) that horses are athletes, and we get on athletes for not running out ground balls, was it OK for me to boo War Emblem for loafing it down the stretch?

You got the feeling after he stumbled out of the gate that War Emblem, a tempestuous type who prefers to run from ahead, got tired of getting mud kicked in his eyes and allowed his mind to drift toward that giant chocolate hay sundae that awaited him back at the paddock.

News item: Serena Williams defeats older sister Venus to win French Open.

Second thought: A truly incredible scene when you allow yourself the inconceivable thought of John McEnroe, after his wrenching 1984 finals defeat, pulling out his pocket camera and taking pictures of Ivan Lendl on the podium.

McEnroe: Ivan, I think I got a good shot of you hoisting the trophy you took from me in five sets although some jerk in the background made a peace sign over your head with his fingers.

News item: The U.S. upsets Portugal in World Cup group play.

Second thought: A huge win for U.S. soccer, although ESPN announcer Jack Edwards’ final-seconds call, “Mine eyes have seen the glory!” was about as over-the-top as Niagara Falls. He might have opted for something a tad less scripted: “We the people of the United States, in order to form a more perfect union, have port-holed Portugal!” or, perhaps, “Glory be, the funk’s on me!”

Also, this just in off the futbol wires: France and Jerry Lewis now have another thing in common--neither has scored a goal yet in World Cup action.

News item: Tom Tolbert, Bill Walton and Charles Barkley share the same NBC stage during NBA Finals.

Second thought: The boys in research are checking to see if any of these “Windtalkers” is of Navajo decent.

News item: Jose Canseco admits to book publishers that he took steroids.

Second thought: We’ve duly filed this in our “shocking revelations” cabinet next to “Pat Boone drinks milk.”

News item: Minute Maid takes over naming rights for the former Enron Field in Houston.

Second thought: This makes up for all the juice baseball lost when Canseco hung up his syringe.

News item: Consumer advocate Ralph Nader asks the NBA to review Game 6 of Western Conference finals.

Second thought: Sources say Nader’s manifesto to the NBA office was titled “Lakers: Unsafe at Any Lead.”

So, Nader thinks the officiating in Game 6 smelled of pickled herring on August asphalt? We suspect the former Green Party presidential candidate is a closet Celtic fan, otherwise Nader would have taken an equal interest in the Kobe cheeseburger conspiracy.

Nader’s next crusade against Lakers: why aren’t bench players wearing seat belts?

News item: Walton keeps saying on the air, “Down it big man, down it.”

Second thought: I keep saying, “Stop saying that, big man, stop saying that.”

News item: Boston Red Sox consider putting 500 seats atop Fenway Park’s “Green Monster.”

Second thought: The nosebleed seats are being creatively marketed as “fall-out-of-the-sky boxes.”

News item: Shaquille O’Neal says, “I can’t go a day without someone saying something negative about me.”

Second (negative) thought: I’d like to see Shaq shed about 40 pounds and lay off that fall-away bank shot.

News item: PBS airs documentary on hand fishing.

Second thought: They call it “Noodling” and it works like this: guys without lives from Oklahoma, dressed in jeans and tennis shoes, wade in muddy-watered bogs and snag 40-pound catfish with their bare hands.

Noodles for brains, I say.