Many judges in this talent contest

THESE PEOPLE live among you:

Daren Mitchell: “Why did Al Davis hire Lane Kiffin? In ‘Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory,’ Willy asks Charlie the question, ‘Who can I give all of my candy making secrets to? Not a grown-up, cause they would want to do things all their way.’ I think Al found his Charlie in Lane Kiffin. He’s moldable.”

Wait until Kiffin finds out he’s coaching a bunch of Ooompa Loompas.

Alex Pogeler: “On behalf of all the Chargers fans out there, all I can say is that we can’t wait to see you for opening day at Del Mar this summer. We know what you look like, buddy.”

I thought Del Mar killed off all the horses.

Mary Landers: “I’ve heard your radio show and the nasty things you’ve said, but what do you have to say about Barbaro now?”

And hurt his feelings? He might be listening.

A Little Old Lady Who Loves the Lakers and Dislikes You: “Please tell me why you are such a Kobe hater? We all know you miss your idol, Shaq, but what would that broken down baby do for us this year? You need to take a chill pill and grow up.”

You sound like the wife. By the way, you aren’t the Old Lady, are you?

Elmer Sanchez: “Nice article (about Kobe). I hope you get cancer in the middle of your face.”

Gives a whole new meaning to the expression: “In your face.”

Sandra A. Kane: “Are you the same columnist that has been writing for several years that Kobe Bryant is a ball hog and shoots too much? Now you want him to shoot. You can’t have it both ways.”

I’ve remained consistent from day one -- I want him to shoot every time he touches the ball, so the other stiffs don’t.

Jeff Lambert: “The beauty of your ignorance lies in the fact you are the Kobe Bryant of your profession. You have loads of God-given talent, you have many accolades on your shelf, you are incredibly stubborn, you are a polarizing figure in L.A.’s court of public opinion and there is one major flaw in your game holding you back. With Kobe, it’s his selfish court demeanor -- something he is addressing this season and which you recently mocked. In your case, your flaw is being a self-righteous, all-knowing (jerk). Face it, T.J., you are Kobe Bryant.”

Well, there was that column I tanked last year....

Robert James Washington: “The Second Coming is about the newly redesigned Nike’s Air Force One. The Air Force One made its debut sometime in 1982 and is still widely popular worldwide today. You must admit, today’s NBA superstars, dressed in white sweatsuits, walking down an airstrip and entering an airplane hangar to play basketball is a great marketing strategy to sell sneakers.”

And here I thought they were just trying to tell us when He does come back, He will be wearing Nike shoes and be as pure as a NBA player.

Daniel G. Yolangco: “You are by far the worst sports columnist ever.”

I’m not busy enough that now I’m also dealing with Dwyre’s e-mail.

Mike Bell: “I’ll bet every time you ball up a piece of paper and throw it in the trash you shoot it like a basket and pretend you’re Kobe.”

I suppose I could pretend I was Kwame Brown and drop the paper.

Rose Kofsky: “You obviously do not know much about the soccer world. David has been playing since he was 16 and is a well-known and respected soccer player. In the soccer world, he is an icon the same as Magic, Michael and Shaq are in the basketball world.”

I’m sorry, I didn’t catch David’s last name.

Walter Pocasangre: “I can’t wait till u get fired.”

What a relief to know you have something to look forward to in life.

Sunnyvale Dash: “Kobe is the Howard Roark of the NBA, whom people hate because he doesn’t need them. He doesn’t play the street-punk-with-the-heart-o-gold (Iverson), nor does he display Shaq’s neediness to be loved. Like all of Kobe’s career highlights, his 81 points were a great moment. But like Roark in ‘The Fountainhead,’ his greatness inspires hatred and jealousy. Here’s to how great a man can be, how great a player can be, no matter how it looks to the average barfly who likes his black people to appear less strong, more vulnerable.”

I was reading between the lines to figure out what you were saying, and all the time it was right there in black and white.

Judge Kelvin D. Filer: “If Kobe Bryant walked on water, you would criticize him for not ‘running.’ ”

First of all, everyone knows it’s Phil who walks on water....

Matt Rutherford: “T.J. obviously stands for Talent-less Journalist. I used to look forward to reading the Page 2 column, mainly due to the many great pieces written by Jim Murray.... Prior to your arrival, I used to read Page 2 with my son and actually pulled out some old Jim Murray articles to show him the beauty to be found in great writing. Now I show my son snippets of your articles and warn him to avoid envious, talent-less, mean-spirited and small people like you at all costs.”

Murray never wrote the Page 2 column; hard to believe anything else you have to say.

Tom Foran: “Your sophisticated use of the schoolyard taunt, ‘ha, ha, ha,’ not once, but 17 times as you bashed the Chargers, helped me understand what T.J. stands for -- Too Juvenile.”

Weren’t you paying attention -- it’s Talent-less Journalist.

Jeffrey & Sherry Worn: “Don’t show kids pictures of bikers (on Page 2 Wednesday) without helmets -- even if they are hockey players.”

Mary Ann Webster: “The ‘Bike Chic’ Page 2 photo just isn’t smart or cool. Craig Ludwig (hockey player) is not wearing a helmet -- think of Ben Roethlisberger and many more.”

What happened? You folks lose the e-mail address of [email protected]?

Jason D. Hanavan: “I’m totally with you. I don’t mind Kobe looking for his teammates, but it seems like he only has the mentality to do one or the other -- score or pass. I think his shooting struggles when he coasts for three quarters, contrary to what everyone thinks about a ‘superstar always having the ability to turn it on.’ I would like him to come out of the gate putting pressure on the defense, which would actually create more opportunities for his teammates as the game unfolds. He always says that he passes first to loosen the defense up for him, but I think that is backward. I think he needs to get in a rhythm too. Anyway, I’m in favor of him making his teammates better, but if it is at the expense of his own game, I don’t like it.”

Sir, if you’re going to continue to make sense, you will not be allowed to appear in this space in the future.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at [email protected]. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.