For whom the commercial plays

JUNE CASAGRANDE

A few months ago, I saw a one of those campy, 1950s-style TV

commercials promoting a cable comedy station. The spot was a sendup

of an old-fashioned public service announcement, educating

fresh-faced students about the word “whom.” In classic retro style,

the upbeat, silky-voiced announcer gave examples, cornily

overemphasizing the word every time he said it: “Whom.”

I’m embarrassed to tell you that, at first, I was actually a

little excited. Finally, someone was spreading the word, passing

along a surprisingly simple lesson on how to speak the language

correctly.

A split second later, I realized I’d just been made a fool of. It

was a spoof. The producers were making fun of the impracticality of

an expression many consider obsolete. They were making fun of anyone

silly enough to care about such nonsense -- i.e. me.

I was suddenly made to feel like one of the nerdy kids in school

that the cool kids ridiculed. Or, I guess I should say, whom the cool

kids ridiculed.

A lot of people think the word “whom” is useless or even

pretentious. A smaller contingent think it’s an important piece of

the English language puzzle and, sometimes, darn it, it’s the only

correct option. These “pro-whom people” alienate the majority with

their stubborn, borderline goofy insistence on using a seemingly dead

word. The anti-whom majority thus throw up their hands and throw out

the entire grammar baby with the whom bathwater.

I say it’s time to lay down our arms over this issue. I’d like to

propose a truce and to declare the word “whom” a sort of verbal

demilitarized zone. That some people don’t like to say whom doesn’t

mean they’re butchers of the language. That other people do say whom

doesn’t mean they look down on everyone who doesn’t.

Deal? Good.

My feeling is that it’s a good idea to know how to use it even if

you never do. I almost never use “whom” in conversation, but when I

have to write something, I’m glad I know how. And here’s how:

As I said last week, “who” is the subject; “whom” is the object.

So, when in doubt on which one to use, just substitute any other

subject/object pair -- she/her, he/him, we/us, I/me, they/them.

“You’re meeting in the conference room with ... .” To know whether

it’s “who” or “whom,” just plug in another set and pick: It’s either

“You’re meeting in the conference room with he” or “You’re meeting in

the conference room with him.” A no-brainer, right?

But “whom” gets a little trickier because it’s often in the form

of a question, making it harder to use the plug-in method. For

example, “With whom are you meeting in the conference room?” doesn’t

as easily convert to “with he” or “with him” in the sentence’s

current form.

Here’s the trick: Whenever a simple plug-in doesn’t quite make

sense, ask yourself what the action of the sentence is and, once

you’ve got that, identify the subject. “Meeting” is the action in the

example above. And who’s doing the meeting? “You.” Now just put it

all together: “You are meeting in the conference room with ... him,”

not he.

When you’re wrangling with who/whom’s trickier cousin,

“whomever/whoever,” there’s usually more than one action in the

sentence. “You can ride to the meeting with whoever/whomever wants to

go.” This is hard because it’s both an object of one action and a

subject of another. “You can ride to the meeting with him,” but “he

wants to go.”

There’s a very simple way to deal with this one. Whenever the

person is performing any of the action in the sentence, use the

subject pronoun. “You can ride to the meeting with whoever wants to

go” would thus be correct.

Thanks to all you cool kids for chillin’ through this nerdy stuff.

Next week, we’ll get back to sex or making fun of people or something

a little less geeky. Then you’ll see that I really am cool like you.

* JUNE CASAGRANDE covers Newport Beach and John Wayne Airport. She

may be reached at (949) 574-4232 or by e-mail at

[email protected].